trouble

I desire to be so intimate with God but I am not able to be the kind of person that will allow that communion. I have too many questions and unholy irreverent anger. i know the things I fear and feel are wrong but I can't help feeling them. I am angry at God when I don't understand and no amount of practice helps my heart from being irreverent. I am prideful and constantly focused on myself and how to be loved and safe. I don't care about God except for a few stolen moments that don't last and that catch me unaware. I wish to be holy. i long to be able to do the right things and to react to God in the right way naturally but it is not natural for me and it is not what is in my heart and when I am flustered and not on guard, that true self comes out and shakes her finger in God's face and says "How dare you not be who I think you should be! How dare you not live up to my understanding and How dare you hide yourself from me and do things and be things that I can not understand and that make my heart have to believe you are who you say you are even when I see things that seem contrary to who you say you are?" In all of my theology classes it seems that all we do is make excuses for God and explain away the behavior that we do not see matching up to what You said You are like. It reminds me of a wife that is being abused, who explains away the husbands abusive behavior. I know that i have crossed that line that Job would never cross. i have done the irreverent thing I have asked questions too far but I don't know what else to do. i long to be like Job and David who poured out their hearts to God yet never wavered. they never crossed that line of lack of belief or abuse against God. I am not that way a bump in the road hits and i forget all of Gods good behavior and distrust him all over again. I don't know God and i don't know how to make sure that I will know the real God and not just the God of my creation because I can never make heads or tails of the Bible. I spit out what I have heard from the Christian community and my professors trusting that they have studied it and know better than I and I feel like I could never see enough of the scripture to know if they are right or not so i feel afraid all of the time of being duped. I am afraid that I am losing my faith that it is slowly eroding and I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. I don't want to stop believing because I know that some being talked to me and I don't want Jesus not to be true because then I am without hope and their is no salvation and I have no where else to go if He is not real. Back to drugs would be the only option and its not one I want. I am afraid.

I don't trust the Bible to be infallible. i trust God to talk to me out of it and somehow I trust it to have truth because i have seen truth in it but I wonder is this really all there is? is this really the holy book that has all we need? And how do we know that it has no mistakes? therefore I am not sure if I can trust that God is who the Bible says he is because I don't know if I can trust the bible but don't you have to believe in God first anyway to trust that the bible came from Him and then we have to trust what the bible says about how it is trustworthy but the early church were also people and they trusted that it was from God but oh this is so confusing there is no simple answer that I can be satisfied with. so I trust my experiences but they are faulty and I forget them and am never sure if they are God or a circumstance that I am attributing to God so I go round and round. And when I do read the bible I never retain it. I can never remember what I read or what God said to me through it and can I say I get bored with it and I don't understand it and I have such bad anxiety when I read it that I can never spend enough time with it to really make it worth my while. I have not mined the depths of scripture in so long I am terrified of it so i never get the chance.